Be a Cheerleader, Not Critic

My friend and her spouse are going through a hard time. Honestly, I think she is done. It breaks my heart because this is a couple who both serve in ministry and have for years: he has a pastor and she as a worship leader. They both know the scriptures and are surrounded by folks who encourage them in their walks. Their marriage has had a lot of rough spots from the beginning and I think this is the point where she is tired of trying.

I have been friends with the wife for over 10 years so I am privy to information that the rest of their camp may not know. I know details of what brought her to the point of being “done.” I know how she was wronged. How she was hurt. I honestly don’t know how I would react were I to be put in her position.

I am not blind to her faults. She is not perfect. I’ve known her long enough to know she has a touch of the Taylor Swift crazies fresh out of that “Blank Space” video, but her redeeming qualities have always outweighed her faults.

So, color me surprised when I log onto Facebook this morning and see her husband blasting personal details of their marriage for the world to see.

What? This is the woman you want to reconcile with? This is the mother of the kids that you want so desperately to see. Hey, Genius, I don’t think you helped your case there.

It’s not just this couple though. I see it online far too often. You disagree with your spouse and then you blast them to some unseen group of people and wait for them to agree with you by hitting the like button.

Here are the top 3 reasons why you should keep your negative marriage posts off of social media:

1. It does not fix the situation. Let’s start with the big captain obvious of it all: what did posting something on twitter solve? You got your feelings out. Great. This could have also been done via writing in a journal, praying, or calling your best friend. Why did you put it on social media? You wanted others to know or you wanted others to agree with you. You did it for you without thinking of the impact on your spouse.  That’s called selfishness.
2. Public “attacks” can turn a battle into a war. Your little squabble can turn into a big fight when your partner sees what you posted…or better yet, their sister does and calls them. I see it in my own marriage. My husband is not a fan of social media, but I will post things about the baby or how proud I am of his school/career life and then his phone will ring. His grandfather wanted to say congratulations or his friend wanted to tell him that his kid looks like this kid they used to go to school with. I am always surprised when my posts make it to Michael’s ears and he comes home to tell me about it. Imagine if it were a negative post. How incredibly hurtful it could be to know that I shared my hurt with the world as opposed to talking with him. Ouch. Talk about escalating a problem quickly!
3. You need to surround yourself with people who know both you and your partner and who encourage you to fight for your marriage.  Congratulations, you just created an army of people who heard about how your partner sucks, but who don’t see how he/she are great. They have your back and therefore, your spouse is the enemy. When the fight is over they will still remember the time you came home late and your partner overreacted. Your partner is now labeled a control freak. Awesome.
4. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” I love this scripture because it would solve so many problems if we would just DO IT! So the next time your husband or wife does you wrong and you want to scream, log off! Put down the cell phone! Be your spouse’s cheerleader instead of their critic.
5. Don’t get me wrong…It’s okay to let people know what’s going on, but be select. Surround yourself with people who believe in marriage and more importantly, believe in your spouse. You need people who will look at you and say, “I don’t think she meant that” or “That doesn’t sound like him.” If you surround yourself with Bitter Betty’s and Melancholy Mike’s you are constantly going to hear advice like, “You deserve better” or “You should just move on.” You don’t need that right now. You need someone who can encourage you to keep on going and advocate for your spouse. (FYI-Your family is not always the best choice, as they love you so much and will always be on your team. Find someone who knows you both equally, such as couple friend who shares the same faith or value system as you.)

Hosea is Not a Love Story

So, ever since my last post something has really bugged me about the story of Hosea. My entire life this story has been sold to me as a love story.  When pastors preach about it, they talk about Hosea’s love for his wife.  There is this implication that he loved her and had amazing patience for her, even as she chose to leave him other men.  I have read this story several times in the last few weeks and honestly, I do not think this story has anything to do with affection.  The story of Hosea and Gomer is not a story of love: it’s a story of obedience. 

You start out in Hosea chapter one with God telling Hosea to marry a promiscuous women and have children together.  Hosea obeys by marrying Gomer.

Well, this relationship goes about as well as you can imagine any relationship with a hussy going…she leaves him for another man.  In chapter three the Lord tells Hosea to go and bring Gomer home.  Again, Hosea obeys.  When he finds her, he actually has to buy her freedom for fifteen pieces of silver.  He looks at his wife in the eyes and says the most romantic thing a man could ever say, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.” (Hosea 3:2)

How’s that for romance?  His big romantic speech can be summed up as, “You don’t mess around and I won’t.” 

So maybe Hosea isn’t the inspiration for the next Nicolas Sparks novel, but it’s okay because this isn’t a love story.  It’s a story about being obedient.  It’s following God when it’s hard.  We all need to be a little more like Hosea.

A Letter to Hosea

Dear “Hosea,”

Marriage is hard.  You know that.  I know that.  It’s a weird season right now for those around me.  It would take me two hands (and maybe a foot) to count the number of marriages hanging by a string right now.  I don’t believe that everyone facing divorce/separation are “wrong” or “bad.” 

One of these folks in my tribe had their partner look them in the eye and tell them that it was over, not giving them much of an option for reconciliation.  Another come home to find their spouse gone.  Where does that leave people like you?  It begs to be compared to the story seen in the book of Hosea.  (If you’re not familiar, God instructed Hosea to marry a woman who was known to be promiscuous.  She cheated on him several times and eventually left him for another man.  After a while, her lover abandoned her and she was sold into slavery.  The story depicts Hosea going and getting his wife several times…even buying her back from slavery and bringing her home.)

We live in a society that justifies divorce.  As a Christian subculture, our divorce rates should be lower.  Romans 12:2 tells us to not be of this world…but so many times we are the same as those around us. 

I am not saying that we accept sin or stay in a home where our partner beats us every night, but that’s not the majority of the divorce cases I hear of.  I typically hear, “it’s just too hard” Or “I’m too hurt.”

We love to talk about the Bible and Jesus, but when it comes to taking on the very mannerisms and actions of Christ, we fall short. 

I remember one day, when my spouse hurt me very deeply.  I grabbed my keys, my dog, and my running shoes and I fled.  I don’t’ know where I was going to go and in hindsight, it was pretty stupid.  (Young woman running in a major city at 11:30pm isn’t bright.)  I was upset and had to get my energy out.  I didn’t get too far before the Lord placed this thought in my heart: “You tell people about Christ all the time…now go be Christ to your husband.” 

I knew I had to forgive him.  This was a 10 out of 10 on a hurt scale and I had to forgive.  I had to walk this walk that I tell people about every day.  So I did. I walked home, looked him in the eyes, and told him that it was forgiven. 

 You will too, Hosea.  You will pick yourself up and you will forgive.  You will let go.  You won’t bring it up tomorrow.  You will work your hardest to fix what’s wrong and then you will give the rest to God.  You will choose to trust Him.  Thank you for being faithful when it’s hard and looks unfixable to the untrained eye.  I pray that God restores you.  I pray for reunion.  For healing.  I pray for more than you can dream of.

Take Care, Friend,

Katie