I have not written much in the last week or so. It’s been a really tough week. The holiday was much harder on me than expected. In the last week or so:
- I have had someone tell me that I “need to hurry up” and get pregnant
- I have had someone ask if I had kids. (legitimate question…I am just not sure how to answer it anymore)
- I had someone ask me if I was ever going to have a kid
- My cousin lost a baby just a little further along than we were
- I had to watch my husband’s family ogle over a newborn for hours.
- I had someone (who never knew I was pregnant) ask me several times if I am losing weight and tell me that I look great
- I heard my congregation applaud when my coworker mentioned that he and his wife are having a baby
- It was pointed out to me that it is funny that I am so passionate about children and yet don’t have my own
- I
I think the worst part of losing a baby is the fact that you can’t talk about it. People say ignorant things like listed above and we just ignore it. We live in a world filled with families. So, you suck it all in. You deal with all the stressors and you bottle it up. Next thing you know you are crying at your desk at 9AM. (That was me today.) It’s funny, but in many ways it is getting harder as opposed to easier. I had a lot of support for the first week or two but now it almost feels as if life has gone back to normal and Liam is forgotten. People ask me how I am doing and by being honest with them, I felt like I put them in an awkward position.
Tonight I found comfort in reading the story of Hannah and Samuel. I relate a lot to Hannah. She longed for nothing more than to have a child. The Lord gave her a son, but she had to give him back to the Lord. In 1 Samuel 1:27-28, Hannah says, “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” As I continue to heal, I pray that God gives me Hannah’s heart. I want to continue to trust Him with my child. I want to remember that he is lent to the Lord and that I will see him again.
Beauty From Ashes 
A beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry too. I have no idea how this must feel, but I can imagine… I pray that God will bless you with another child when it’s time and that this next child you’ll be able to hold, guide, love, and care for physically. In the interim, may God bring you peace and allow you to heal, while taking tender care with your heart.
Oh that is so much. The holidays are hard all around, I think, but always so much worse with the tenderness of miscarriage and other losses. Take care of yourself. God bless you.