I never wanted to have children until I married Michael. Obviously I love children. I have dedicated years to educating them and support lots of non-profits that help children and families, I just never really cared about having my own. I thought that I had the best deal ever: I got to spend time with kids all day and then send them home. Michael changed things. I knew within two weeks of marriage that I wanted a family with him. We originally set a goal to wait 5 years, but after 3 we decided enough was enough.
First of all, I cannot say enough how awful “trying” is. Nothing can make a woman feel more broken then trying to conceive and then it not happening month after month. You think to yourself, “if the girls on teen mom can get pregnant, what in the world is wrong with me?” You feel defective. I started checking my basal body temperature and every other trick I learned about. I checked out numerous fertility books from the library. Finally after over a year of trying, we conceived our little one.
Everything was normal for a long time. Although it was too early to tell for sure, we just knew we had a son. We named him Liam. On Friday, we had a perfect ultrasound and saw his heart beat. It was amazing to watch his little life inside of me. He didn’t move much, but he was right on track.
Monday afternoon, I knew something was wrong. When I went to bed, I told Michael, “If I wake you up, we have to go to the ER.” At 2 am I woke up and knew something bad was happening. We rushed to the emergency room and waiting for someone to see me. By the time the doctor saw us, the baby was already gone. We were almost in our second trimester.
This experience has brought up a lot of feelings about my faith. The cliché, “why do bad things happen to good people” comes to mind. I sacrifice many things to work in the ministry (financially and personally), I am constantly putting others first, I tithe, and yet this still happens to me. What benefit did the Lord have in giving me a child for 10 weeks and then taking him away? Would have not been better to just not give me the child to start with if I were not to carry him to term?
I can’t answer these questions and I am still praying through a lot of this, but all I can tell you for sure is that I have had an overwhelming sense of peace. It weirds people out. I live in a strange dichotomy of being completely heartbroken but filled with peace. I don’t understand God’s ways, but I trust Him. I think it’s okay to trust Him and still wonder why. A friend sent me this scripture and I pray it over myself every day. If you are going through something that you don’t understand, I challenge you to pray this over yourself as well. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
Beauty From Ashes 