Willing to do the Work

So, I kind of dropped the Step posts for a while.  In my last post, I told you I was going to take a moral inventory of my life and get back with you.  I did work on it.  I sat down and I said, “Okay, Katie, what moral failures do you have?”  To be honest, I realized that I don’t have major issues with morality.  I am one of those weird-os out there who love rules and structure.  If you tell me how to do it, I can get it done.  So I sat, with my Bible, pad, and pen and kept coming up empty handed.  I expressed my feelings to my friend Lisa, who was able to give me a lot of clarity on step four that I never found online.

Lisa explained to me that many times, more than major sins or failures, we have resentments that affect us moving on.  She showed me a diagram that she had made where events in her life had affected her self-esteem, ambition, money, personal relationships, sexual relationships, and emotional security.  These resentments ruled her life.  They had caused her to behave in ways that were selfish, self seeking, fearful, or dishonest.

Looking at her diagram I was able to quickly think through events in my life that have affected my thinking and behavior.  Things I need to get over and rise above, but have a hard time.  I have feelings of failure, abandonment, and expectations I believe that I will never reach.  I am completely flawed and so far from perfect.

Here’s the good news.  There are two kinds of people in this world:  people who are willing to do this hard work and people who aren’t.  The people who are willing to do this kind of self-evaluation will surely end up stronger and better for it.  We accept the challenge to be more and we will take steps to actualize it.  Those who are unwilling to dig up our hurt in order to move beyond it will surely struggle with entitlement and a victim mentality for the rest of their lives.

No, we don’t deserve hurt. We don’t deserve pain.  We don’t deserve fear.  We  deserve to move beyond and that’s what we’re doing.  Surely the Lord is with you as you dig through the trenches and recovery from your past hurts.

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.”

Isaiah 43:1-28 ESV

Seeing God in the Mess

Life is a mess right now.  For the last month, it has been almost daily that someone has shared a burden they carry with me.  Everywhere I turn people are hurting.  From marriages to children and work situations, I have heard so many stories.  I add this onto my own personal loss that I am still recovering from and it feels like too much.  I can’t process how so many followers of Christ can live in such chaos at one time.  Tonight I was staring into the mess, trying to see Christ in the clutter and it was so hard.  I just kept running out of prayers to pray, so I starting looking up scripture and found this:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you…Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 2: 1-4 & 7

What stands out to me is that the scripture doesn’t over a remedy to the test.  I think that’s our natural inclination when challenged.  How do we get rid of this?  What steps to do we take?  On the contrary, it challenges you to persevere and, if you need something else, you can ask for wisdom to understand what you’re going through.  So, I suppose that’s what I need, Lord.  Give me wisdom.  I want to see you in this mess and find it beautiful.